Have fun reading what's going on in my mind!
>.<



Entry Nr.3 (13.11.2020)

I'm literally so shocked, i have no words, my life has to be a bad joke. Everytime i think everything is going good, life comes and be like: "NAH BITCH U THOGUHT NOW LETS MAKE IT WORSE THAN BEFORE", yesterday my mum got a call from the doctors because of her lungs (she got them tested a week ago) and she only has abt 40% of her lung capacity left. All they told her at the phone is that she needs to go to the doctor ASAP to talk abt the results. I tried to not expect the worst but that was literally one of my biggest fears, i couldnt sleep cause of my worries so i was so tired i skipped school.
So she went to the doctor today and i waited home. When she came back and as soon as she opened the door I saw tears in her eyes. My biggest fear literally came true. All i said was "no" before breaking apart infront of her. She has a fucking tumor in her lungs. Thats all we know for now. I seriously dont know what to do it feels so fucking surreal and i never thought it would hit any of us. Shes getting more tests on monday. I cant believe whats fucking happening. We just hope the best and hope that its not the bad type of tumor, so she can get it removed surgically, and move on with life as soon as possible. Nevertheless the Doctor told her that no matter what happens, with that low lung capacity she won't have a long lifespan. I know u will read this Heartiel and i feel sorry for you cuz i know how shocked you will be. Cuz yes it is a huge shock. I can't do anything abt it. All we can do is to stay positive. carnation-boy is really helping me trough the tough time. We texted alot yesterday and i realised ive fallen hard for him already. i never felt this type of feeling and its amazing. (at least one thing that doesnt go wrong) i mean ive had crushes before n stuff but i know how it feels when my love only lasts temporary, and this time it's completely different. I feel like im on drugs, like it really feels like i have taken ecstasy, my body feels so warmed and that feeling in my chest.. oh that fucking feeling in my chest <3. Ive opened up about stuff ive never told anyone and i dont feel any regrets, actually its the opposite, I'm glad i have finally opened up abt some stuff. He is so accepting and I arhgghggjfgfkj i love him so much yall cant imagine. I'm glad he's there for me, especially right now. I wish he would live in my city. Hes might going to visit me in 1 or 2 weeks, he said he'll explain it to his parents and why he needs to be there for me. I'm the saddest and happiest person at the same time. I feel kinda numb.

Entry Nr.2 (11.11.2020)

Hellooo thereee, today i spent some more time trying to learn html x3, i tried to decorate decorate my page a little more and Heartiel really inspired me !! I hope we get to learn more about html and css so we can share our knowledge abt it. My day was pretty boring ngl. Me and carnation-boy are getting closer everyday and I'm getting more comfortable texting with him about certain topics. It feels kinda weird fAlLinG iN lOvE over text, i mean, not weird, but its different (idk i feel like most of my friends would make fun of me and judge me bcs of that lol, like "HoW arE U tHiS nAiVe" blablabla ). I wish i already had my drivers license so I could visit him. I cant wait to hug this boy irl istg. We talk so open abt our feelings and its not even weird, like i mean its not getting awkward or anything c: ! Welp I'm now realising that in the next entrys im probably gonna talk mostly abt him too, how boring for u guys xD. I've spent 4hours editing my page today lol, it's really getting addicting and i get to use my laptop more often!! Also my mum thniks all i was doing is homework so she didnt interrupt me lmao. I'm kinda excited for tomorrow cuz we only have two hours of school and afterwards im gonna visit one of my old friends (hopefully lol cuz she said she might have an appointment).Ohh and today in school we had fashion design and i finished my bum bag, i also started making a top out of an old but beautiful shiny teal coloured curtain, can't wait to finish that one. Welp i think thats it for today i dont really have anything to say anymore, see yall!

Entry Nr.1 (10.11.2020)

This will be a short entry cuz i've been sitting here for 3hours trying to figure out how html and css works lol.Welp now my mom interrupted me and i've been afk another hour lmao, funny how its not noticable tho. Today was pretty nice, school was pretty chill and I didnt feel sad even once today! :) My highlight of the day was my crush texting me and asking "so,r u mine?" >.< We texted alot today and he even send me a picture of his face, tho he's very insecure :C We then got very confused abt the situation cuz we're both insecure and shy so we both were like 'uhhhhhh wait ?? r u fr?? like fr fr????'. I told him that, yes i do like him and he's been on my mind almost constantly the past 2 weeks but I dont want to rush it cuz last time i did that i got disappointed and hurt was completely understanding abt it and said he doesnt want to rush it either C: so idk what we are now lol we admitted we have a crush on eachother but we both have trust and commitment issues xd. What made me very happy tho was when he said he trusts me and feels safe even tho only a few people were able to make him feel this way. I also cant stop thinking abt the fact that he dreamed abt me 2days ago <: he literally dreamed abt cuddling me but woke up because he tried to remember my height but forgot lmao. Wow wtf this is so cheesy and I'll probably cringe so bad reading this in the future xD. Welp idc rn, he's making me freaking soft fvjdfhvofgbjgoubhhfubf and I'm omw to get feelings lol and tbh yes I am very afraid of it, I'm scared of getting too attached and just getting hurt again, but why not give it a try? i really have high hopes this time :C. Ok i think Imma end this here, it felt really relieving to write down my feelings, since i usually like to keep this kind of stuff to myself.

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